He had 67 minutes. He spent them watching the FOMC recap.

Every day we crown one person who made the single worst financial decision on the internet.

Today’s winner bet against a coin right before a major bank told the world to buy it.

Here’s the setup.

Uniswap had been grinding sideways for weeks. Volume down. DeFi sentiment soft. The Warsh dot plot was bearish for all risk assets. The case for selling UNI was reasonable.

u/uni_is_done_bro made the case. He made it with $147,400 in puts.

He bought them on Tuesday evening, June 17, after the FOMC decision. His read: Warsh kills rate cut hopes, risk assets bleed, UNI leads the altcoin selloff.

At 11:22 p.m. the same night, Standard Chartered published a research note. Their target for Uniswap: up 22% from current levels. The note went wide on crypto Twitter within the hour.

UNI opened Wednesday up 4.3%. By noon it was up 22.1%.

He built a $147,400 put position on the same evening Standard Chartered published a buy note.

He did not see the note. He found out about it when his brokerage sent a margin alert at 8:47 a.m.

His post: “I don’t think it’s fair that analyst notes can come out at 11pm.”

They can. They do. They always have.

The top reply: “The note was at 11:22 p.m. You placed your order at 10:15 p.m. You had 67 minutes.”

He replied: “I was watching the FOMC recap.”

The FOMC recap did not mention UNI. The Standard Chartered note did.

Not everybody can be Loss of the Day. But these three gave it a real shot.

Let’s run through the tape.

The conventional read going into the FOMC: Warsh is a market-friendly pragmatist. He would hold. He would signal flexibility. Stocks would rally.

u/warsh_will_pivot read the conventional wisdom and opened a 100x long on Solana perpetuals at 9:48 a.m., one hour before the decision.

Here’s what Warsh actually did.

He held rates and rewrote the Fed’s entire communication framework. The dot plot showed 9 of 18 officials now expected a hike. He eliminated forward guidance entirely. His statement was 114 words.

The market lost $420 billion in 30 minutes.

He was 100x long on Solana when the Fed delivered the most hawkish hold in recent memory.

SOL fell 6.2% in the hour after the decision. At 100x leverage, that is not a 6.2% loss.

His liquidation notification arrived at 2:41 p.m. His post arrived at 2:43 p.m.: “I should have read more than the headline.”

The headline said “hold.” The dot plot said something different.

The consumer is stretched. Everyone knows it. Retail sales have been soft. Furniture is a discretionary purchase. La-Z-Boy, specifically, is the kind of brand that struggles when people tighten their belts.

u/lzb_puts_easy sold u/lzb_puts_easy himself on this. He bought puts before earnings.

Here’s what La-Z-Boy reported.

Retail sales up 11% in the fiscal fourth quarter. Gross margins improved. The stock gapped up 16% before the open.

For context: retail sales nationally came in at +0.9% month-over-month in May, beating expectations. The consumer is not as stretched as the thesis required.

He bet against a furniture company the quarter it reported its best retail sales in years.

His puts expired worthless. He did not own a La-Z-Boy. He does now consider this ironic.

Total damage: $29,100.

SpaceX went public on June 12 at $135. Hit $176 intraday. Closed at $161. Then ran to $225 over the following week.

Then a former Nasdaq executive was quoted saying SPCX “is not trading on fundamentals.”

The stock pulled back to $206.

u/spcx_dip_buyer saw a 9% pullback from the high on a rocket company with a Bitcoin treasury and a $2 trillion valuation. He called it a dip.

He bought $37,300 in calls at $206, expiring in two weeks.

Here’s the thing about “not trading on fundamentals.”

It means the stock will continue to not trade on fundamentals — in either direction. It went to $200. Then $194. The calls, priced for a bounce, lost value on each leg.

He bought calls on a stock someone just described as disconnected from its fundamentals, expecting it to immediately reconnect.

By day three, the calls were down 71%. He is still holding them.

His comment: “SpaceX is still going to Mars. Mars is real.”

Mars is real. $194 is also real.

We track the data because the data is funnier than anything we could make up.

Warsh’s statement was 114 words. The Fed has not communicated in 114 words since the early 2000s. Every one of those words cost someone money.

The best part of any loss thread isn't the screenshot. It's the comments.

Here are today's greatest hits.

Translation: four people had four different explanations for why the market was wrong. The market did not read any of them.

Every newsletter needs a meme section.

Ours hits differently when Warsh condensed 14 years of forward guidance into 114 words and four people lost money.

If you laughed, you read the dot plot.

If you winced, you have ever typed “Mars is real” into a loss post.

See you tomorrow. Juneteenth is Friday. Markets are closed. The dot plot does not take days off.